Some people are fans of the New England Patriots. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New England Patriots. This 2019 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews here.
Your team: Orchids of Asia. Real change of pace for someone in this organization to have THEIR dick grabbed!
Your 2018 record: 11-5. A Super Bowl victory that was about as entertaining as watching a feather-haired old man get a handjob. All five of the Patriots regular-season losses came to non-playoff teams in a year where the Saints, Rams, and Chiefs all seemed poised to topple them and establish potential dynasties of their own. But this is the NFL, and the NFL abhors excitement much in the way Robert Kraft apparently abhors getting laid for free.
And so the Pats escaped the AFC title game at Arrowhead thanks to their usual gift assortment of good luck and shitty calls, resulting in what proved to be only the second-best orgasm of Kraft’s day. Then they blew out the Rams in an unwatchable slog and notched yet another victory for terrible people all across the country: Tom Brady, the President, Mark Wahlberg, Pepe The Blog … all of them. That is the sorryass state of affairs we live in now. God remains asleep at the switch. At least we’ll always have the Miami Miracle:
Surprised the Dolphins didn’t get flagged for not liking Dunkin’ Donuts enough on that play or something. This was an unremarkable Pats team that still weaseled its way into winning it all. Why I still watch this fucking sport is beyond me.
Your coach: Devourer of souls Bill Belichick, who looks just as bored of the Pats winning titles as the rest of us are. It’s extremely telling that when Belichick seemed to profess being oblivious to Andrew Luck’s retirement last month (turns out he was not unaware), Pats Twitter not only bought it but instantly cried out NO DAYS OFF and jerked it to this hobgoblin’s supposed tunnel vision. Not only have Boston fans tried to co-opt Belichick’s genius as their own, but they also, in true New England fashion, worship his proud dourness. HE’S A FUCKHEAD JUST LIKE US! OW-AH INDIFFERENT PRICK IS A BIGGAH INDIFFERENT PRICK THAN YOU-AH INDIFFERENT PRICK! These people are only happy when it rains.
The Pats spent all of 2018 without a formal defensive coordinator, mostly because Belichick can do that shit in his sleep and because now-Dolphins head coach Brian Flores called all the defensive plays as LB coach. But this spring, they hired universal reject Greg Schiano to finally fill the position, until…
I have informed Mr. Kraft and Coach Belichick that I am stepping down from my position at the Patriots. This is not the result of any one event, but rather a realization that I need to spend more time on my faith and family.
I bet Greg Schiano’s family read that statement and were like NO NO TAKE THE JOB IT’S GOOD FOR YOU, NO NEED TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH US NOSSIR! Anyway, the DC spot will remain empty for yet another season (and the Foxboro locker room will stay free of leprosy germs) as the Patriots once more rely on Belichick to devise game plans by consulting his haunted library of ancient wiccan defensive tomes. They’ll be fine. There’s something fitting in how all of the worst men in a five-state region wish that Bill Belichick was their dad.
Josh McDaniels can get fucked with his own visor.
Your quarterback: Hat Boy.
Tom Brady got suspended four games for doctoring footballs and yet no one, including the NFL, gives half a shit that he and the Patriots have, for YEARS now, circumvented the cap by paying Brady’s vanity company for contract work, allowing Brady to consistently play for less than market value so that the cupboard around him can remain fully stocked.
That TB12 company, by the way, was co-founded by Brady’s fraud of a masseur who was stripped of access to the rest of the team and whose unlicensed quackery may have helped hasten the retirement of Rob Gronkowski. But, of course, you cannot ask Brady about any of this shit. Mister Cool here lives in a rarified world where everything is lollipops and rose petals, and if you dare poke a hole in that façade, he puts up a blank wall that perfectly matches his everyday personality. You would think a man who claims his brain is “wired for contact” would be able to handle the barest of criticisms. But apparently, Tom Brady’s skin is a whole lot thinner than his cerebral cortex. In that way, he’d make a perfect fan of his own team.
Your backup is future trade bait Jarrett Stidham. Maybe Stidham will prove better at running trick plays than fancy dog boy ever has been:
Simmons Nation thinks Tom Brady has a personality now because he joined Twitter and Instagram, but of course Brady’s online persona is as phony as he is: the phoniest performance in an industry of phoniness. All those meticulously crafted self-deprecating jokes took hours of tweaking and involved Brady throwing a tablet at one of his assistants.
What’s new that sucks: Center David Andrews may miss the entire season after being diagnosed with a terrifying blood clot in his lungs. I would tell you that this could spell trouble for the Pats offense, but they’ve always managed to brew up a workable line using tongue of dog and eye of newt. Besides, no one is allowed to legally hit Brady anyway, and he does enough intensive pliability exercises (steroids) that his anatomy is now 90 percent gummi bear. Even if you did miraculously manage to knock Brady down without getting flagged, he’d still get up and then wear that stupid hat. Brady played horribly in the Super Bowl, by the way. But it didn’t end up mattering because the Rams could only shit out three points, handing him the easiest title in history. Whenever Brady struggles, the opposition does him the courtesy of struggling even more.
With Gronk retired, and you’d be forgiven for thinking he retired a year earlier given his production in 2018, the Pats will be relying on a pair of tight ends—76-year-old Ben Watson and Lance Kendricks—who are already suspended to start the year. Your likely Week 1 starter will be Matt LaCosse, who definitely got a job with this team because his last name sounds like lacrosse. Again, it won’t hurt the Patriots. They did the whole 28-3 comeback with Gronk on the shelf, and they still have reigning Super Bowl MVP (ugh) Julian Edelman at wideout to gobble up balls running dwarf-sized post routes.
They drafted N’Keal Harry—possibly related to Debbie—to play opposite Edelman, but he’s already on IR. As such, it’s worth looking back for just a moment to remember how awful the Patriots are at drafting wideouts, when they bother to draft any at all: Malcolm Mitchell, Aaron Dobson, Taylor Price, Brandon Tate, Chad Jackson, Bethel Johnson, etc. Belichick the GM exists exclusively to make things more challenging for Belichick the coach. It’s like watching a hobo on Boston Common play chess against himself.
Demaryius Thomas is here to load up on carbs and snap his Achilles by Halloween. Josh Gordon has been reinstated just in time to get suspended all over again. Safety Patrick Chung—you might remember him from the time Belichick switched bodies with Chuck Pagano for a second—might be suspended after getting indicted for felony cocaine possession in New Hampshire last month. So sad. Had Chung driven 15 extra minutes, he could’ve EASILY found some fentanyl or meth instead. Everyone on the Pats is either suspended, about to be suspended, or already has been suspended. Except the owner. The owner can get caught on camera paying $60 to get his hog milked and still get off scot free.
On defense, Michael Bennett has finally joined forces with Belichick. Together, these two men will wage an eternal war against complete shirtsleeves. Bennett could lodge 18 sacks this season and your average Pats bro will still burn his jersey while wearing a Kyle Van Noy jersey. Jamie Collins trashed the Pats on his way out and is now back for some reason. Funny how everyone who plays for New England has made a lopsided moral compromise with himself to do so. If the Giants are the Never Trump Republicans of the NFL, the Patriots are the $200,000-A-Plate Trump Fundraiser of the NFL.
Aaron Hernandez is a murderer again. Sometimes replay works.
What has always sucked: Pathetic.
Illustration for article titled Why Your Team Sucks 2019: New England Patriots
Being a Pats fan means eternally living vicariously through someone else’s dick. Has any fanbase done less with success? Give my team six rings and I would chill the fuck out for life (or at least, I’d like to think I would). The precise opposite has happened with Pats fans. With every success, they grow more paranoid and defensive and BRO BOB KRAFT IS SUCH A BOSS IF I WERE HIM I’D BE FUCKIN’ TOO. Acting like they’re the only victims of injustice in this world and the only ones willing to call it out. It’s pathetic. We’re well past the point where Boston fans are actively grating. We have now entered the realm where it’s easier to simply pretend they don’t exist, and to sigh wearily when Boston fans go out of their way to be noticed by snorting Adderall and screaming DURRRR WE’RE STILL HERE while punching a pregnant stranger at the airport.
From ownership down, the prevailing ethos of the Pats is that everyone is against them and has treated them badly: Roger Goodell, the NFL, ESPN, law enforcement … everyone. Just look at the replies anytime ESPN tweets out ANY Pats news, even if it’s basic transactional shit about Sony Michel dealing with a calf sprain. It’s just a bukkake of 12 jersey avatars going FACKIN’ ESPN HAS IT IN FAR US! The fake-tough guy act in New England is unparalleled and depressing: just the worst bunch of “hold me back” morons who insist no one respects them and who also insist no one has ever been racist at a Boston sports event because they didn’t personally see it. It’s an endless cycle of terminal whiners complaining that everyone ELSE is a whiner.
I apologize to Jim Harbaugh, but WHO’S GOT IT BETTER THAN US? was spiritually lifted from Tommy from Quinzee packing a lip full of Kodiak in the morning, scratching his balls, and pretending he’s the king of existence because Tom Brady fucks a supermodel on the reg. The Patriots are emblematic of a world that has loosely conspired to elevate of all the shitty people and sneer at the bereft. Everyone who is collateral damage deserves to be. I look at the Pats and I hope humanity dies. Speaking of which…
What might not suck: …Science says we WILL all die by 2050. The Pats will have 37 titles by then and Brady may still be roiding his way onto the field, but at least the nascent Apocalypse will come for us, and for them well. Then you fuckers will have some days off. When I get to St. Peter, first thing I’m gonna do is ask to see the handjob tape. I’ll have the time.